I suffer from depression. Or, to be clinical, major depressive disorder. Depression has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. It is the reason I sometimes cannot get out of bed. It is the reason I cannot maintain (or even pursue) relationships of any kind. It is the reason I have not yet been able to apply to graduate school. It is the reason I have not posted an article on this website since the spring of 2017.
I have now been in therapy for over four years, and I still struggle to open up. I was in a co-counseling program for five years prior to that, and that really did not work for me. I feel bad, ashamed that I will likely remain in therapy for the duration of my life. But therapy, for me, is a necessity. I would be so much worse off without it. It is only with the support of a trained professional that I have been able to begin writing again. I have a long way to go, however, when it comes to other matters.
My depression has caused me to “ghost” many people in my life. With others, I have simply neglected to ever reach out. My brain repeats the same mantras over again: that no one really likes me, that I am ugly inside and out, that I am not worthy of friendship. While I hate to admit it, I usually believe the lies. I then feel tremendous guilt, which doesn’t help matters.
In short, depression is a disease of the mind. I am trying my best to move from coping with it to healing from it, but I often feel that I do not deserve to heal. Another lie I choose to believe over and over again. The disease makes it easy to believe the untruths; it is far more difficult to fight them.
I hope this brief article can do a little to explain why I am often introverted, difficult to get a hold of, and seem insecure and far away. I will be posting more articles in the coming days, and digging a little deeper into my personal life and professional aspirations. Until then, thank you for reading.
~GCL~
factorycandy 